Saturday, August 25, 2007
A lot of things have been on my mind lately. I guess more introspective than anything else. You know; I wandered around half of my life not knowing what I should do. One dream after another was crushed in front of me while I still had that gaze in my eyes. I grew up thinking that this is the way it was always going to be; that I was destined to turn out like the rest of them. I gave in to mediocrity; I gave in to the world, to the enemy. But now; well now things aren't like that anymore. I can dream; I can dream and know that they won't be crushed with a harsh word, or a sardonic laugh. Yet now comes the hard part; the part I was never prepared for, the part that has me scared out of my skin, the part that I wasn’t raised to do… Accomplish…
When you dream you have all of these images in your head about the future and how things can be. You know deep down in the lowest chambers of your heart that nothing short of an apocalypse is going to stop you from getting there. That is where I falter. Kids are born and raised to dream. I was born and raised to fail; or so I thought. So the knowledge that something is possible for me seems so far fetched. And because of this way of thinking; I’ve been placed in a conundrum of sorts. Because now on the brink of discovery I have been hit. Not hit by that “wow, finally here’s the vision and I’m going to sit back and see the best way to go”, but hit by….”you’re not doing what we wanted so now you’re in trouble”. My dream…I guess not just my dream but my purpose has only just come to me. I struggled with knowing who I was; in the world, in the church, in Christ, and how to get from where I was to where I should be. I know what it is now. I know what I want to do with the rest of my life; I know what makes me happy. It’s taken too long to get me to this place, and now I’m being punished because it has.

What ever happened to allowing people to find their own way? Not everyone is handed a silver spoon and natural gifts of intelligence. Not everyone know what they want to be when they’re 15, and not everyone meets they’re “true love” when they’re a teenager. We can’t all be like that. We can’t all have everything right all the time. We can’t be the kid who is the star of the football team, or the one with all the academic achievements and the perfect parents. Some of us have to find their own way, on a different path, a path you will never know, never even dream about. But we make it. We do. We might not go to Ivy League colleges and have plaques hanging on our walls, we might not be going for that job that pays the big bucks, but we’re happy.

So why; on the brink of something as wonderful to me as a dream are they tearing me down. Sure; I’ve made mistakes, I’m not perfect, no one is. Am I in trouble for taking too long to get to my dream? Is there a time limit that states when you should have it, and begin accomplishing it? I have a dream yes. But I have no idea how to get to where I am, to where I want to be. At times I don’t think others agree that it’s the right choice, I think they just want it done. But can you survive when you alone are the only one who believes in your dreams? Can you carry out something that you see in your head, even though those around you see it as a dead end? Should I just stop caring what people think altogether? I can’t. Not until after this meeting. I have to be strong. Not cry; stand my ground. But to what, for what? What can I say to make them see that I finally know what I want, but I don’t know how to get there.

It feels as if my whole life hangs on the balance of this one dream. I wonder if as a kid you think about all of this when you dream. Or do you simply just dream, throwing all caution to the wind. I’ve thrown my hands up to God. I’ve cried out His name and asked Him to show me what to do. I’ve sat and listened for His voice, His still small voice to comfort me. I’ve come to Him like a child on my knees handing Him my dream and trusting that He knows what to do with it; with me. I don’t know what else to do. It feels as if I’m being surrounded by the enemy and there’s no escape from the inevitable death that is to come. Not the death of me; but the death of a dream, a dream that has taken so long to get here. I can’t cry anymore. I’ve prayed until my voice is sore, and my knees hurt. I know some of you are saying “it’s just a meeting” but to me it seems like a death sentence.

So. If you read this. Pray with me. I want to see God clearly. I want to hear His voice and feel His presence. I want to know that what I “see” is from Him. I need courage to keep this dream alive inside of me. I can’t hear that voice telling me I can’t do it. Because I can. But I need to know I can step off of this cliff and fly.